Part 1 of an unknown number of Reasons for my hope in Jesus Christ
A few months ago, I wrote a blog post titled “When you have to look back” in the midst of the most painful and darkest time of my whole life. I was so blind with grief, heartbreak and sadness, that I could not see even one step ahead of me. While others told me “He has a plan for you” all I could say was “But it’s not MY plan.” I watched the dreams I had for my life fall apart before my eyes, in a slow, ugly, devastating way. As hard as I tried to white-knuckle my plans and keep control of what I thought I knew was best, God loves me too much to have let that happen.
Someone recently said to me “God will destroy your plans if they are going to destroy you.”
Didn’t make it any easier at the time.
Others told me to hang on and trust. That one day I would understand.
I tried to believe them.
I tried so desperately to believe the words of scripture that ALL things work together for our good.
“He is Faithful!” they all said.
I cried on the floor. I curled up in a ball and I wept for the life I thought I wanted.
I tried to believe it.
In the hurting, I chose to look back on the ways God had provided for me, cared for me and loved me through dark times in the past. It was too painful to let go of the images of the life I imagined for myself, so instead, I just turned around. I walked backwards. I was moving forward but looking back- keeping my head down, reminding myself of every situation Jesus pulled me from, and trusting He would not leave me where I was. I might not have been brave enough to leap wildly into the great unknown of God’s plan. I was reluctant and hesitant and scared out of my mind. But I was moving in the right direction, slowly.
Time passed and I started to open my eyes again. I tried to walk forward, tried out His plan for awhile, but then fell back in fear and clung to my dreams and desires for dear life when it started to hurt too badly or I felt too lonely to do it anymore.
There were many moments over the past few months where I had a choice. I knew God was directing me to new territory…to start my life over again. It hurt so badly, but beneath the pain there was peace.
Sometimes I boldly followed His path. And other times, I turned back around and told him I would try it again my way. My way didn’t hurt as bad at the time. It was easier. It was what I knew. I fell back into the arms of familiarity and comfort too many times- bargaining with God that if He just let it be my way He could see how it would work. Sometimes God let me make those mistakes, and other times he protected me fiercely.
And each time I fell, He picked me back up and I remembered the gentle reminders of those that loved me “one day, jenna. this will all make sense.”
“One day” might as well have been a million years. I would never understand.
But then, “one day” comes. It usually doesn’t come with a bang. It’s after you realize it has been a long time since you have cried. Or doubted God’s plan. Or questioned His purpose in that situation. And then you look ahead with excitement, knowing that His plan IS better and He IS faithful.
You just have to make it to “one day.”
Because He is faithful. And that is Reason 1 for the hope I have in Jesus Christ.
Look at my life 7 months ago, when I thought I would never be Jenna again, and tell me He didn’t protect me, heal me, and restore me. The type of restoration that has been done in my heart is by God and God alone.
He is faithful.
Reason 1: He is faithful.
I cannot answer every question you have about the Bible. Some of the verses actually freak me out sometimes. I cannot tell you that I have seen Jesus. I cannot tell you that I have audibly heard His voice.
But I can tell you, give Him a chance to be faithful and you will see. Just hang on and put it in His hands. Just keep clinging in the dark times to a power higher than yourself and a plan bigger than anything you will ever understand.
You might not understand now. You might not understand the hope I have in Jesus. But let Him be faithful in your life, and you will see. And you will understand.
I am living proof. I was broken and now I am whole. I was a fragmented version of myself, wondering when it would get better, but the time passed and His hand kept moving until He brought me to a place of health. He is faithful.
Blessings not chins,