A year ago, I spent many of my lunch breaks in one of my closest friend’s classroom sobbing to her, wondering how I was going to make it through the day.
I remember being crumpled on the floor of my little one bedroom apartment, begging God to let me have my way. To give me what I wanted.
1 year ago, I wrote one of the most emotional posts I have ever written called When You Have To Look Back. I hurt everywhere. The only way I could keep moving forward was to continually look back.
I remember arriving in Mexico for a work trip, and being so overwhelmed with grief and sadness that I laid down in the back seat of an empty van and wept.
I had my life planned out in my head with a corresponding timeline: the timeline I held onto and clung to as a sense of security.
In my pain, I thought I knew what was best for me.
I just wanted to stay where I was, to keep going on the track I was on, and live the life I had imagined for myself.
But He told me to walk away from it.
He told me to grieve and hurt, but then to get off the floor and move forward. He had nothing for me that I wanted myself.
Those were some of the scariest steps of my life.
Looking back, one year later, almost to the day, when I was faced with a decision to stay or to go, my heart simply cannot contain the gratitude I feel for what He saved me from.
He pulled me out of a broken, destructive relationship that I was lost so deep inside, I never could have gotten out of it on my own.
God broke my heart to save my life.
He destroyed my plans before they could destroy me.
I was broken long before God led me to walk away. I had been losing pieces of myself slowly, without even realizing it.
One year ago, I had to look back, because the future was absolutely terrifying.
I was so afraid of God’s will, that I preferred my own dysfunction because that was what I was comfortable with. It’s what I thought I deserved.
I was so scared of His plan because it wasn’t my own. At least my own dysfunction was certain; as broken as it was, there was certainty in the brokenness, and uncertainty in the path God was trying to take me on.
I knew He promised good for me, but there were days that wasn’t enough.
I didn’t trust God enough to look ahead toward a future that He promised would be better than I ever imagined.
I walked forward, but somedays I did it backwards. Physically moving forward but keeping my eyes glued longingly on the past.
I followed God but found myself reluctant to face a future I couldn’t design myself.
And here I am.
One year later.
He is faithful.
As much as I desperately wish I could tell you that over the past year, I followed God with such devotion that I stayed on the path He had for me never wavering, I cannot.
Even as I sought after God, I made some terrible mistakes.
I let people down.
There were days and weeks that I decided I wanted to choose my own way again.
And sometimes, He let me, and each time, it led to destruction, but EVERY TIME, He welcomed me back into His arms.
He is gracious.
The smoke has cleared and the pain has faded and I have healed. He saved my life.
What was I afraid of?
God is good.
Over the past few recent months, I have struggled in other ways. While my heart is completely healed, I have questioned areas of my faith and wrestled with doubt more than ever before through the study of Revelation.
I still don’t have any of the answers. There are days I am so frustrated I could scream. I don’t understand God.
But I have faith one day it will all makes sense. Maybe not in this life. But one day.
Because one year ago, I was a shell of myself, scared of the future, and utterly confused as to why God was doing the things He was doing in my life.
So, as I wrestle with my faith, worry about the uncertainties that still linger about my future, I am confident that I don’t have to understand a thing right now.
I have nothing to be afraid of.
What if things don’t work out the way I want them to?
Then one day I will understand why they didn’t, and most likely, things will turn out even better.
I remember a year ago I thought I knew what I wanted.
And God knew better.
In this life, I will never know the answers to some of the questions I have about God and about my faith.
But one day I will.
I’m not afraid to look forward anymore, even if looking forward means seeing a future without the things I may want right now.
One year later.
So hang on. Through the pain. Through the heartache.
He will fix it.
He is faithful.
Blessings, not chins,