Last night as I was trying to sleep, I had an overwhelming feeling of panicky failure. I had seen this instagram account that involved her children in a variety of Bible based crafts and lessons.

“We haven’t discipled the kids well enough,” I said to my husband who was trying to sleep. He had been awake since 4am and hearing this lighthearted pillow talk at 10:30pm probably sent shudders down his exhausted spine.

“We can talk about it more this weekend,” I add, probably the most relief he has felt all year.

Then I remembered my kids aren’t bilingual!

I have spent the year doing a homeschool program with my daughter. I have planned lessons and checked out books and done crafts. It’s not a Christian program. We didn’t memorize verses! We didn’t connect it all the redemption narrative! I didn’t do a Spanish block! We just learned about Community Helpers and had Teddy Bear picnics! In English!.

What kind of Mother doesn’t give the gift of fluency in another language to her kids when she has it herself? Was I too lazy?

So now, the day before Mother’s Day, I feel like I am getting it wrong. So so wrong.

It feels heavy. Like the responsibility is too much to bear.

Forget the bilingualism! Even the day to day has felt so heavy lately.

This week, my 1 year old son was crying.

“Knock it off!” my daughter said to him in the nastiest tone.

What do you say when she she’s just copying how you responded to her behavior earlier that day?

The anger I feel when the schedule goes awry. The reactions to my kids’ behavior. The side-hug greeting I used as punishment to my husband when he got home from a work trip because I was annoyed and exhausted.

I so deeply desire to be a Mother, wife and friend that is so transformed by Jesus that the fruit of His Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control ooze from me naturally. I say this constantly. This is my deepest desire!

But as a disciple of Jesus, I am constantly trying to understand the tension of my own limitations (both physical and emotional) and His power at work at me. How hard do I push myself? How many things do I say yes to? What boundaries can I set to preserve my own soul while still loving like Jesus?

I understand in theory that His Spirit should be so active in me that I am not doing it on my own strength- but where is the activate button?

If the Spirit is at work in me, why don’t my kids see Him more?

If His strength is made perfect in our weakness, then why am I not showcasing his power when I am clearly overwhelmingly weak? (2 Corinthians 12:9) I should be the Poster Woman for this!

How do I “muster up” His strength when I am burned out and worn down?

As usual, I have more questions than answers, as this is a something I talk often with Moms about.

The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is so, so weak. (Matt 26)

He promised to leave with us an Advocate and a Helper (John 14) and if I place my trust and faith in Jesus Christ, that Spirit is alive in me.

Then why does it feel like there’s a monster in me instead?

As I have thought more about this question, something came to mind. While I don’t yet have the “Holy Spirit Activate” button polished and ready, I recognized there are areas of my life actively working AGAINST becoming who I am called to be as a believer.

Am I disciplined in my practice of spending quality time in the Word of God and praying?

I say I don’t have time, but spend from 8-9pm smashing half a bag of Sweet Chili Doritos and watching reels.

I say the flesh is weak- like I am doing everything I can to ensure His Spirit is on the move in me – yet I often spend 10-15 minutes in the morning and consider myself “good” for the day.

We can’t possibly excel in every “lane” presented to us on Social Media and in real life, and how do I even know which lanes God wants me to pursue and which ones He wants me to let go of if I spend all my time scrolling instead of seeking His will for my family?

When I am confident in the Mother he is calling me to be, I won’t waiver at 11pm about my non-bilingual children. I will have much more confidence that I am doing my best in the areas he calls me to. But how will I know which areas to lean into when the flavor rotates weekly of what kind of Mom I should be?

If I say my heart’s cry is to model His goodness and gentleness and patience with everyone around me, does how I spend my time prove it?

Instead of having good, prayerful conversations with my husband, we sit side by side, exhausted from the day, but feeling even more exhausted after we put our phones down.

The flesh is weak, and I make it weaker with many of my choices.

The Lord has been stirring in me.

What am I feeding? I want to start feeding the Spirit in me with good, wholesome, beautiful truth about who I am in Christ.

There is SO much grace for me. But this grace does not mean I can camp out here, in this place of weakness, throwing up my hands saying “Motherhood is hard!”

I previously wrote about shifts in mindset and perspective, and while that is absolutely something I need often, what I need more desperately is the Holy Spirit filling me up and overflowing- doing that work for me.

I need the Lord more than ever to Mother in a way that honors Him and raises up disciples.

As I muddle through these waters, I trust that my kids learn through my repentance- over and over, admitting to them where I fall short, praying together and moving forward.

I pray that over the years they see the work of sanctification in my life – too young to call it that but not too young to see it.

So this week, I think deeply about what needs to change in my routine and daily practices to get the good stuff in.

Discipline is an issue for me, I’ve been here before. One hundred times, actually. But thank God for one hundred and one! His kindness leads me to repentance. Over and over again.

Holy Spirit, come. Help me raise these precious, precious souls and may my Motherhood point them to you.