My husband keeps the volume for his car radio at a 15.
The same station, the same volume, no exceptions, unless I’m in the car.
I remember early in our dating days, I would hear a song I loved and attempt to crank it. Max would grimace a bit, worried about his speakers, and we would compromise at a volume 21.
Whether it’s his favorite song or one he despises, he’s at a 15.
Then there’s me.
On any given twenty minute commute, I’ve listened to six stations at varying degrees of volume. The great songs blare through the speakers at a volume that has to be turned down at stoplights because people would stare, and the bad ones get skipped the moment I hear a familiar beat I despise.
How Max and I handle our car radios is a very metaphoric example of who we are as people.
Max is steady and consistent, never too reactive to anything. He is calm and predictable, mild-mannered and level-headed. Maybe years ago, I would have called that boring, but now I call it home.
I’ve always been the opposite- a little reactive, unpredictable, emotionally surprising (I chose surprising over unstable because the Lord has done too much in me to call myself unstable..emotionally surprising sounds much more positive).
I ride the highs and lows of the roller coaster of life while Max waves from the safety of the waiting area with a puke bag and a corn dog.
It’s not all negative- I love big and live big and life is fun with me a lot of the time. Max and I balance each other out and have a good thing going on.
But living life in reaction to the dozens, sometimes hundreds of external (or internal) events that are happening around me can be simply exhausting.
When I allow how I feel (or how others feel!) to dictate my life, it makes for some tumultuous emotional seasons that I regard as truth, even though they might not be, and can change rapidly.
Feeling not close to God.
Feeling anxious about a situation that could, but probably won’t, happen at work.
Feeling guilt and shame over past mistakes.
Feeling regret over how I handled a situation 8 months ago.
Feeling annoyed, exasperated.
Living in a state of feeling and reacting- it’s a bumpy ride.
Recently I posted about the lack of connection I have felt towards God – I have felt blah and disconnected for most of this year and continue to dig to “feel” close again.
So as I was journaling the other day, I asked God to allow me to live in a state of knowing. That regardless of how I feel, I am secure in my deep knowledge of his love for me.
Through His word and His promises to me, I want to live in a place of knowing His love, even if I don’t feel it.
This will not be a quick fix, but this week I am going to ask myself this when I am reacting to a situation or feeling big emotions : am I living in a state of feeling or a state of knowing?
Am I accepting my feelings as truth even though I know better?
Am I creating an event in the future that likely won’t happen?
Am I analyzing how someone feels about me or what they could be thinking about me?
Am I obsessing over something I know God has already forgiven me for?
A state of knowing. Let’s put it in the ring against the roller coaster.
Here’s to learning and growing.
But I am not changing a thing about my car radio.