Tweets from Yesteryear (Part 1)

I recently received an archive file from Twitter of every tweet I have sent since early 2011. In all of my ample spare time, I browsed through the 4,800 pieces of gold and enjoyed a nice long walk down memory lane. Since there are almost 5,000 of them, I decided to break this post down into a few different parts, as to not overwhelm the reader. I would like to share with you some of my favorite tweets from 2011-2013. I divided them into categories and included a commentary along with some. I didn’t include the date because I already almost broke my eyes trying to read the archive in the most raw form possible- its like computer code lingo stuff and I have no time for that. You can estimate what period of my life they were from. Enjoy! (side note, please note that any tweet about “my trainer” was referring to my now boyfriend and main squeeze. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww) Commentaries are noted with a *

Category One: Things that are still true and relevant

Making eye contact with geese is the creepiest thing ever #geese
*Go try this and tell me it’s not

“I’d say on my list of top fears that getting my hand caught in a garbage disposal falls right behind spending forever alone.
*Half true- hopefully have the man on lock

And here come all the profile pictures with everyone’s dad #fathersday
*Are you blessed with the best dad in the world?

“Put a blazer on me and I immediately think I’m the most sophisticated and classiest person on earth

“When people post picture captions from the voice of their baby or dog like “”me and mommy enjoying the sun”” its like plagiarism kind of
*technically true

“I actually think a small fender bender is a cute way to meet a guy as long as it wasn’t my fault and he had insurance #driving
*Not for me but for others

“Okay if I’m on an escalator I am there to relax so do not pressure me to climb them like stairs people”
*one of the truest statements I have ever said

“My trainer told me today that everything I say has a little ridiculousness to it. That cannot be true.
*Still true because the trainer is now my boyfriend and still believes this

“i feel like i am going to be a parent that has a favorite child.”

“If u compliment a girls nails she will either tell you where/when she got them done or look down at them n say how gross they look right now”
*try it tomorrow

My idea of multitasking- putting my retainers in while I clean the apartment #productivity
*I am down to one retainer but still true

There’s always that middle age couple who has taken dance lessons who uses wedding receptions as their seasonal showcase

“It actually is not an exaggeration to say everytime I sneeze I am one step closer to dying because that it technically true
*This is deep

“Texted my mom “”I’m nervous”” and when she responded 3 min later I had forgotten what I was talking about. #oldage

“It’s hilarious to picture anyone eating beef jerky

I don’t understand people that dress up just to go to the movies. I put on my best and most publicly acceptable pair of pajamas and relax

“When you’re purposefully ignoring phone calls its like they ring forever but when u rush to answer you just miss it #life

Earlobes are so soft

“It sucks that video phones weren’t around when I was a baby/tot bcuz I did plenty of things that woulda shot me to viral vid superstardom

Having dreams about exes is like having to re-watch a terrible movie that you already paid for and hated the first time #wakemeup

“Such a grown up- sent a pic to my mom of the inside of my mouth to see if I have strep or bronchitis #baby
*still do this

Honestly wild pigs (boars?) are absolutely terrifying to me. Along with rodents that have long tails. Very specific fears

I can’t think of anything worse for my personality than gardening

Category Two *Questions/Ideas/Brainteasers*

“At what point does the customer get told they no longer can sample anymore fro yo flavors? (I’m the customer in this situation)

I wonder who the first person was to figure out how to eat a grapefruit

“Has anyone ever actually seen a porcupine in real life? I truly dont know if I believe it them

I wanna send someone a package and poke air holes in it just to freak them out about opening it”

“I wonder what the repercussions would be if I confidently sent out an email to my entire district stating schools are cancelled tomorrow

“I want to start a puppy renting business where singles can have hourly puppies to take to the park etc to attract others #genius

My future children better be advanced readers so I can choose the books n have them read to me as I lay out and its like free books on tape”

“When my whole body hurts and I take ibuprofen, how does my bod know where to send all the helping juice? #amazed”

If I lay on a mat in a sports bra is it considered yoga if I’m sprawled in a weird position? #workingout

I’m going to raise a bilingual puppy and if it goes well do the same thing on my children

Category Three *Good general life advice*

To all New chefs out there- ill save u the time and say there’s a difference betwn 400 and 450 degrees and that difference is called burning

If you eat chocolate and then brush your teeth right after, your mouth tastes like a thin mint #yourewelcome

“If I were one of beyonces backup dancers I totally would have fallen on purpose- imagine the fame! YouTube sensation for sure
*Good idea for the Superbowl show

Stores should spend the extra money on good lighting in dressing rooms because I never look uglier than I do trying on clothes

When someone asks what weathers gonna be tomrrow i just confidently make up something. “”chance of rain but will clear up later in the day

Category Four *Improvements- these no longer apply or have gotten better

“So when I get my W2 can I just recycle it? Who let me become an adult? #ineedalifecoach

“My mom just said to me “”have you thought about putting yourself online?”” Beth I’m 22 stop being thirsty for grandchildren #mylife

Does keeping the heat at 90 degrees have any negative impact on the environment? I like to blast it and keep my windows open #logic

“If I find out when I get to heaven that taking extra Splenda packets from restaurants was a sin then I’m in big trouble #ignorance
*I don’t use Splenda in excess anymore

“Jenna where did u go? Are u in the pantry?”
*I don’t have a pantry

I used to have my roomie hide my junk food on me but she refuses to now because she says I would get too aggressive when I wanted it back
*Not my finest moments

“When I go to young people events, my dad only cares about what food was there and my mom only cares if i met my husband or not #typical
*still true about Dad…now mom just wants to know if I got engaged

“I only wear the t shirts of my exes to bed when im sick because 1. Sooo cozy and 2. I blow my nose into them #twobirdsonestone
*Got rid of all dat

“Best way to annoy the male trainer: talk about how ripped the other male trainer is
*My man is the most ripped of all!

“I civilize myself to prevent it but the amount of food that I could actually eat is just catastrophic. There’s nothing ladylike about it”,
*I have this mostly under control

Category Five (Miscellaneous)

“Might have offended my doc telling him his phone clip was dorky but also told him with MD after his name he can get away with a lot #balla

The world is divided into people who used to be teachers pets and people that hated teachers pets #teamteacherspet

“I was screaming in pain lifting; my trainer said “”Jenna this has got nothing on childbirth.”” and I said “”I literally hate you.””

Yes I’m eating a 6 pc mcnugget in the dollar store parking lot but please take those judging looks elsewhere #saturdays”

“Guys in scarves. Idk I just feel like if it’s above -10 outside then there’s just no reason for a situation like that.

It’s so un-american to sit directly next to someone you don’t know at a movie. Two seats in between at least please.”,

In middle school I would record myself playing the saxophone and then play it back and do a duet with myself. I was soooo awesome.

Nothing good was on XM radio during my drive so I listened to the normal radio like all the peasants do

My bosses learned quickly they cannot just assume they can put me in a golf cart and expect me to find the 16th hole #lostandalone

I have nothing left to say. Actually, yes. I have about 4700 more tweets to sift through.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Miguel Garcia says:

    Long time follower, first time poster. I just love reading your blog. It make my day. Hope to meet the genius behind this incredibly uplifting blog one day. No more counting chins here hahaha.

    PS I bet I can lift more than your boyfriend jk lol


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